Milking It

Before Baby E was born, I had these idyllic visions of breastfeeding her. Breastfeeding is the closest a mother and child can be once it has left the womb. I wanted to nurse her through to the moment that she could drink cow's milk. And oh, I thought it would be so easy and natural.

Providing milk for my daughter has been the complete opposite. It may be one of the most stressful things I have ever done, mostly due to the pressure I put on myself. In the beginning, I was adamant that E would not have a single drop of formula no matter what it took. When E was around five weeks old, I began pumping to store milk, so she would learn to take a bottle, give myself some freedom to leave the house for more than an hour or two, and let J be more involved in her care. My milk supply began to change and so did Baby E. She started to become very frustrated and impatient with the rate that my milk was flowing. After running errands on Saturday, I came home and fed E, waited a while and pumped. Shortly thereafter, J brought me a sweet, crying girl who was still hungry. But I had nothing to give her. I threw up my hands and had J make her a bottle of formula.

After giving that first bottle, J and I decided that it would be better for me to pump to ensure E was getting enough milk per feeding. I started pumping round the clock. Within the last month, my milk production has changed. It is now a struggle to make sure that I am making enough milk to give her more that a few bottles of breast milk each day. I am keeping track of my daily food intake, my daily water intake, trying to get plenty of rest and using herbal supplements to no avail. It is disappointing because my original goal was to be the sole nutritional provider for E, and because I have friends that are producing enough milk to feed their children and mine.

At the end of the day, however E gets the nutrients she needs, I have to remind myself that I am blessed to have provided breast milk for her this long, when I know some women who were unable to do that. She is a happy, healthy, growing girl who only knows that I can take care of her every need whether it is a product of my body or not.